the town i grew up in is a place both similar and dissimilar to the towns around it.

it's an old coal mining town, and if you know where to look, you can find the ancient veins burning underground, encircling the farms. when i was growing up, i didn't think there was anything too special about it. but as i've aged, and moved to the city, i've discovered it's rare to find a place so trapped in time. so i'm going to tell you about it. some of my favorite places.

The Y Bridge

zanesville is home to one of only two "y" shaped bridges in the entire world. the other one is in japan or something. the town is really proud of it, like it has nothing else to show for itself. because it doesn't, i guess. in the 1920s it was the center of town, a bustling industrial hub that was once the capital of Ohio. a century later, it looms like a water spider over the Muskingum river, confusing the small amount of through traffic the town recieves.

it's surrounded by car dealerships now. my town never used to have very many of those. after i moved away, my town got a starbucks, and a chipotle. which is funny because when i was a kid, downtown seemed so abandoned. CA House, Gemini's curio shop, and Tom's were the last bastions of a forgotten time. it's weird to see fast food chains down there next to those ghostly giants. watched over by the big abandoned school on the hill.

there's a small through road, inaccessible to trucks, that ducks beneath a smaller fork of the bridge. it's huge and rusted. when i was a kid i thought it looked like dinosaur bones. last time i was there, in ohio, i walked down to this dilapidated corner of the bridge with my younger brother as he told me about his dead friend. she shared my deadname, actually, and had taken her own life via overdose as a junior in high school,

my brother was an addict himself, and that day above the muskingum river and below the dinosaur bones, he asked me to buy him some mucinex. he said it was for his allergies. i knew, of course, that the active ingredient of mucinex was DMX (not because I wasn't born yesterday, but because my life has positioned me accordingly. i was born knowing these things). i told him no, and he begged and begged. i joked i'd push him off the bridge. i didn't.

hundreds and hundreds of crows flew above our heads, blanketing the twilight and softening its glow. he asked once more, and once more i refused. he was on probation at the time, and i told him i wouldn't snitch, but he wasn't to steal the cold medicine while i was with him.

i waited atop the ruins of an old auto shop while he walked to the dollar general. i did not ask him what he had when he returned.

later that night, we climbed up the overpass and looked at the bridge from a different angle. the lights on the roads and the glow eminating from the courthouse illuminated the town. it looked like the inside of a snow globe. my brother overdosed later that week, right after i left. i blame myself, of course i do. i don't blame the bridge. what could it have done? i was never really gonna push him off.

C.A. House Music

C.A. house gave me everything when i was a kid. it was the only music store in a 30 mile radius, and as such, serviced all of the local schools' bands and orchestras, including my own. i recieved my first instrument, a hand-me-down student violin, when i was eleven from a man named mike crane. mike crane was a gospel pianist who was, for all intents and purposes, musically illiterate. i doubt he could describe what a note was if asked. sheet music was incomprehensible to him. but you'd never know it when he took to the keys. he is still one of the greatest damn pianists i've ever met.

i grew up in a preaching family. mike crane worked as a musician in my grandpa's church alongside running the store. my aunt was an amazing gospel singer. i found out when i was older that mike crane was her ex-husband. it was all very hush-hush, and i never found out much about why they divorced, but my aunt thinks she sees angels and hears the voice of god. so that might have something to do with it.

despite all this, mike crane was kind to me. he even let me practice in the church a few times on his keys, and showed me how to work the buttons. nowadays, when i'm back around town, mike isn't in the store much anymore. in his place are cool teenagers with piercings and white men with dreads. as off-putting as this sounds, i still love the store. my favorite part is the acoustic guitar room.

Tom's Ice Cream Bowl

when i was a kid, my cousin worked at tom's. his name was brian and he was addicted to heroin. the ice cream shop gave him some money to pay rent to my great aunt, whose house smelled of cigarettes and christmas. brian made great sundaes, and aunt jeanneane makes great cookies. brian died when i was a kid. my parents didn't tell me it was an overdose until i was older.

at tom's ice cream bowl, the food is rubbery. i would always get chicken fingers and a grilled cheese sandwich; this was an off-menu combo, but the staff was friendly enough to accomodate me. they had a huge, ancient cash register from when the store opened in 1942. it was the king of the long, oak chocolate counter that spanned the front of the building. their chocolates were like nothing i've ever had, except maybe the amish.

their ice cream is the best part. my grandmother's favorite is rocky road with warm marshmallow fudge; i've taken after her in my adult life. when i was a kid, the servers were surprised that i liked butter pecan. they called it an "adult flavor," whatever that means.

recently, i went there with my friends. they are the only people i've ever been comfortable showing zanesville to. evie and izzy are the greatest blessing of my life. to share ice cream with them in this relic warmed my heart, and i'm grateful they chose to see my home with me. it's a run down old place, but they appreciated it, and they appreciated Tom's old barbershop pole, and its ancient milkshake machines, and its booths with cracked 1980s leather. i love my friends.

Whit's Frozen Custard

two dessert places in a row. crazy right? anyways, this is whit's. for me. whit's represents a large swath of memories and locations related to one person. whit's is a lot more interesting than a walmart parking lot or an empty field, right?

ashley was my first love. we were 14 and confused, stumbling through life and just beginning to realize we were queer. our relationship was tumultuous, very dangerous, and very intense. we saved each other's lives again and again and again, from our respective families, from each other, and even from ourselves. the connection caused more stress than any 14 year old could possibly handle, but it was real and rare.

ashley forgot about me when she was fifteen. the summers we spent together lounging on her hammock. the days we spent hiding in the dugouts behind the baseball field, whispering, hoping no one could see us holding hands. the frantic meetups in the girls' bathroom on breaks from school. she was so scared to hold my hand that first night. she forgot the time we went to the county fair, and the time we went to the cemetary. we thought we saw a ghost that night. i think maybe we just saw a mirror.

i got outed, and she didn't. she ended up telling the entire school i was lying, and that we didn't even know each other. due to the secretive nature of our relationship, this was not hard for others to believe. i was ostracized for the next eight months while she cozed up to the christian fellowship kids. i missed her desperately, but after a while, i begun to wonder if it had even happened at all.

that was until we got stuck together selling poinsettas as a holiday fundraiser to school. at the booth, we seemed like strangers, but spoke like no time had passed. when my parents came to buy flowers, i introduced her to them as if we'd never met. i didn't quite know how to act.

we were inseperable after that. for awhile. she pretended we were just friends, but i knew that wasn't true. we got in a fight over something stupid and separated for another year, and then dated again the next holiday season. she picked me up one night after a year of silence and drove me to our favrite italian spot. we held hands under the christmas lights. our friends warned it was a bad idea, but we didn't listen.

we broke up in the end (thank god) but ashley ended up becoming my BEST AND CLOSEST FRIEND! closer than family! as adults, every second we spend together lights up my life and fills me with joy. ashley is one of the most beautiful, kind souls i've ever encountered, and it was a pleasure to be raised with her, to be formed by her, and to go to whits with her. i miss you every day ashy!! visit soon :)